"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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