Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
