someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
