The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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