Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
