that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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