I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
