I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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