Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
