Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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