just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I just found a bag of teeth...
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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