At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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