I wish I could teleport
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
