I want to have your abortion
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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