dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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