Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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