so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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