Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
