Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
