We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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