weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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