I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
