so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
