Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
