Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
