As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Randomize
