so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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