I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
