I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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