The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
