The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
