so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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