you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
