If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
