Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
