i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
