even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
50% drunk capacity currently
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
