does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
