so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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