I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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