I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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