The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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