never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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