My underwear smells like fireworks.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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