The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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