I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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