I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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