I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
