I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
i think i just lost a toe
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
