i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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