the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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